Us, in limbo

Taken at 12 weeks pregnant - photo by Kara Mercer, Vintage View Studio
This whole pregnancy, I've been excitedly anticipating our sweet baby's arrival, with few qualms or fears about what's in store. We are feeling very ready these days, and 8 weeks seems like an eternity to my impatient self. But at the same time I'm feeling this incredible urge to cherish every second of my baby-free life as long as I can. If she arrived tomorrow, we are just about as prepared as we can possibly be, and ready to love on her and begin this next chapter of our lives as a family of 5 (*can't forget our silly pups).


And in other ways, if I'm being so honest about it, I feel a bit like I wish we could just stop this train momentarily while I fully process what's about to happen. It isn't that we aren't eagerly counting down the days until we get to meet this little one, who has one foot firmly planted in my ribcage as I type this. It's just that we are sitting in this limbo place, our lives pretty much the same as they've always been (with a few modifications to my waistline and our weekend activities), with full awareness that in less than 2 months, everything will be drastically different than it is right now.


The week we got married, Miller started his first year at Texas Law, and I remember thinking how long it seemed we would have to wait before we really settled into marriage - a house of our own, babies, all that good stuff would have to wait a few years, and we were kind of in limbo until then. Not really carefree students, not really quite grown-up marrieds. It seemed like an eternity; growing up babysitting, and working with kids in so many different capacities, I couldn't wait to have kids of my own, and I'm sure we'd have gotten on the ball just a bit sooner if circumstances hadn't demanded that we wait. Now I am so incredibly grateful for that time we had, just the two of us. No, we didn't settle into our dream home. In fact, we remained blissfully un-settled...


Going to Scotland with the Millers


Our dreamy Christmas honeymoon in London & Prague


San Francisco for our first anniversary...


On a last minute whim, hopping on a plane to China for the Olympics


Traveling for countless beautiful weddings of dear friends and family (not so much this summer, sadly).

And of course, taking every dollar we had saved and moving to London for awhile.

While there, we bounced around Europe on the weekends,

Ireland for my birthday


Florence (and Sweden & Belgium)
and lived every day there with awareness of how incredibly lucky we were, that we should treasure that time together. We counted blessings and tried not to count our pounds too much (both £ and lbs...). I took courses in drawing and textile design, logged a zillion heavenly hours at the V&A, and he studied International Trade law. We were living a dream in London and I will always be grateful we took advantage of the opportunity.

Looking back, we are in such a different place now than we were on Sept. 1, 2007, and in the best possible way. We are happier and more in sync as a unit, and our marriage has never been stronger. This sweet little baby is now our China, our London - she is our next big and wonderful adventure.

Yet it's difficult to describe the bit of sadness that lingers. It's hard to disrupt a good thing, even with a better thing, especially when you have no way to truly comprehend how wonderful the next thing is just yet. Right now, the only really tangible part is sleepless nights, diapers, never going anywhere again without thinking about this other little being depending on you - and education funds, sleep patterns, immunizations, school waiting lists, figuring out where the baby goes if you die, all sorts of grown up stuff I wasn't thinking about last year. I have so many (normal and rational) fears about being a good parent, breastfeeding, discipline, about being able to do the right thing for her even when it's hard, about always making sure we make time for each other and that our marriage stays strong like it is now. The intangible stuff is what makes it all so amazing and worth it, and while I have an idea of what all those wonderful moments are, I don't pretend to know what that will be like with my own baby. Not fully understanding what an unbelievably wonderful adventure she will be until she makes her big debut, we find ourselves here, in the limbo place.