Part 2: Eliza's room

All right, folks. Finally, the nursery post. This is the happiest room in our home, and the one with the most precious inhabitant. We spend a lot of time here these days!

I started out designing this nursery knowing I wanted to incorporate a lot of fabric, and otherwise make it very modern in style - Oeuf crib, minimalist, sleek lines, white white white. Somehow though, as soon as we found out little E was a girl, I changed my tune. We had a vintage name picked out, and suddenly I wanted cozy, vintage, sweet, with lots of handmade touches and bits of our past. Just about everything in this nursery was a project of some kind. Every piece of furniture was lovingly assembled, customized or painted; much of the artwork and all of the fabric were custom-made just for her. Of course we could have made this easier on ourselves, but since I pretty much sit around all day dreaming up ways to turn things into complicated, time-consuming projects, this was a dream come true for me. I loved watching it come together bit by bit.

We tried to sprinkle bits of our childhoods around the room, and of course got her started on some toys, books, and keepsakes of her own. Our families also kindly pitched in; Nicholas' parents gave us her beautiful crib, my father and stepmother paid to have the chair slipcovered and converted into a glider, and my mom and stepdad generously paid for all the fabrics and labor. So much love surrounding our girl as she plays and sleeps. Below is the grand tour:

The quilt I made on bedrest now hangs on her crib. Although the fabrics were designed by me, a lovely woman in Oregon named Wendy (found through Alchemy on Etsy) sewed all the bedding, panels, and cushion because I knew my sewing skills weren't up to the challenge. I love how the white ties and box pleats turned out. All the bedding and drapery panels are printed on linen-cotton canvas; the bench cushion and chair are printed on upholstery weight twill.

Eliza's newborn shadowbox: her measurements, bracelets, hat, some little booties I made her (which she quickly outgrew) and the announcement I designed that we handed out to our families at the hospital.

The white dresser is an IKEA hack. I really loved this piece from Pottery Barn which was $900+, but not quite in the budget. I took the handles off this piece we found at IKEA and ordered some pewter English bail pulls to make it a little more traditional. I added the changing topper from Land of Nod. I actually really love this dresser - the drawers are roomy and glide beautifully. Let me tell you, Miller LOVED putting this one together - it was an all afternoon project and the universal illustrations provided as "instructions" weren't exactly clear. He had a big role in this room from an assembling/painting/nailing/doing stuff only tall, un-pregnant people can do standpoint, and was a great sounding board for the fabric designs.

The hutch. A Craigslist find that was originally painted cherry, with brass knobs. It still has a sweet little bouquet painted on top that we couldn't bear to mess with. Most of the stuffed animals and dolls on the hutch were ours. Nicholas' teddy bear, Spacey, is my favorite. I crocheted him a new yellow and white scarf with a leather button to make him a dapper gent for our daughter's new room. The booties in the shadowbox were mine, crocheted by my great-grandmother. Nicholas' baby cup sits on the shelf, as does my little Peter Rabbit music box, and some of our favorite books growing up. The knitted toys are new - they just seemed to fit in well. The silhouette is me, age 2.5 (I had a crazy amount of hair!). That doll with the gorgeous lace dress is actually a Prince William in his Christening gown, brought to me by my grandmother from England when I was little. Annie and John brought Eliza that Paddington Bear from their most recent visit to London; they made it home just in time for her arrival. Highly recommend the retro "This Is..." series! The illustrations are fantastic and it gives its readers a lovely (if somewhat dated) tour of Texas. We also have "This Is London."

Hello from Suzette! This is my favorite corner (and the one I spend the most time in). We converted a club chair that we already had into a glider, and we decided to have a slipcover made so we could wash it. I designed/ ordered the e. fabric months ahead of time, but didn't get the pillow sewn until about 2 days before she was born. The quilt is the one my stepmother made and gave to me at Eliza's baby shower; she is a very talented quilter, and knew I was crazy about fabric so wanted me to help design it. All the fabrics are from Amy Butler's Soul Blossoms line. It is a treasured gift and it such a perfect addition to our nursery!

Above the crib: Eliza's mobile, which I think might be the thing I'm proudest of in this room. I crocheted it over a period of months. I can't take credit for the idea; it was inspired by Emma Lamb's Delilah mobile on Etsy. She's crazy talented! I'd decided I wanted to crochet my own, and googled around until I found one that matched what I had in mind. I decided to drop some hummingbirds down the center, so found a hummingbird pattern, crocheted the different flower motifs, crocheted around the hoop (very. frustrating.) and put it all together. The individual flowers and discs are actually fairly quick to whip together, but it was a pretty challenging project overall. She loves watching it spin, which makes me so happy. I hope once we've outgrown mobile age around here it will hang in a corner of some Miller child's room for years to come.

I designed the Good Day, Sunshine poster with my husband in mind. He loves the Beatles, and I thought it would be one way we could infuse a little more of him into this very girly room. (Sweet MJ took this pic - good shot, friend!).

Book nook: From the get-go, we both knew we wanted a corner that encouraged reading. I wanted her to be able to pull the books out herself to read when she is old enough, so this bench with its little cubbies seemed like just the thing. I had the cubbies styled a bit more interestingly at one point, but we've already been reading lots of books, and well, this is how it looks now.

The best job I ever had was working at the wonderful (and now sadly closed) Toad Hall Children's Bookstore in high school. I loved going there growing up, so it was always dear to my heart, and I learned so much about children's books while working there. I had the idea back then to frame illustrations from my favorites and use them in a nursery someday. The movie "You've Got Mail" used Toad Hall as a reference for their set and storyline, and just like the store in the movie, it eventually folded due to its inability to compete with the heavily discounted books at the big national bookstores. It closed its doors the day I left for W&L, which I've never gotten over, but I always found strangely symbolic and fitting in a way. I always dreamed about opening a similar store someday. But I digress...

Above: Madeline, Charlotte's Web, Winnie the Pooh, Bread and Jam for Frances, Little House in the Big Woods, and Eloise. I scanned them into my design software and then typed up the accompanying passages below. Miller kindly printed them out for me at work, although if they hadn't been such a TOTAL pain to line up straight in the frames I probably would go back and have my printer print them on a heavier cardstock so they don't curl in the frame. My perfectionist self can deal with it. I'm not redoing them.

This giraffe is from Anthropologie - E. loves looking up at him while we change and dress her. We both love the prints on the left of little girl in London, found on Etsy. The painting on the right is from my good friend Dottie, who lives in Amarillo and whose daughter Lisle is 6 days younger than Eliza. We did a nursery artwork exchange that I posted about awhile back. She has been a wonderful and special friend to have through our pregnancies and early days as mamas.

Above the crib: a blessing needlepointed by my great Aunt Billie (Eliza's great great aunt). I have one too that she made for me when I was born. We were looking for something small and safe to hang over the crib and this arrived one week after she was born (!). It is just the perfect thing and goes perfectly with the handmade theme of this room.

3-weeks old Eliza and her dog, who both love playing on the floor in this room. I can't believe how much she has grown from this picture. Now excuse me while I dig into my tub of Blue Bell Light...it's been an unusually long day with the above. She's a delight 90% of the day, until naptime, when she acts like I'm dipping her into a pit of snakes when I put her down. A fun new phase, and lately instead of wine (almost never worth it it seems...sad face) I self-medicate with ice cream.

Thanks for coming along on our nursery tour!

Fatherhood

We were talking the other day about how as kids, our parents - and fathers in particular - seem to know everything about everything. They had full control over our little worlds and you knew just as long as Dad was there, it was all going to be okay. In reality, we are realizing they probably felt a bit like they were flying by the seat of their pants, not always quite sure what the hell they were doing and figuring it out as they went. As the first kids of our families, we know this was particularly true, and being on this side of it, we have a lot more respect for how much they were actually taking on behind the scenes.

Although we are now running our own baby's little world (and hopefully not screwing her up too badly), we still turn to them for advice on the important things. They are still the ones who know everything when we are at a loss.


My grandfather, Johnnie, is who everyone in my family turns to when they are at a loss. As wise as he is generous and kind, he's an incredibly important part of our lives and we are very lucky to have him so nearby.




This sweet man has been nothing short of amazing in all respects since the moment Eliza was born; he has a magic way of quieting her down and took to fatherhood instantly. They adore one another.

From day one he took every new transition in stride, billing as many hours as possible at work while also taking care of me and the baby, waiting on us hand and foot around the clock, driving us to the doctor, keeping the house clean. We are both sleep deprived, and there is much more on his shoulders than mine at the moment. He's made it look incredibly easy, and we are both so lucky to have him. Happy Father's Day to Daddy Jack and Big Steve, my stepfather John, my grandfather Johnnie, and the wonderful guy I married. XO

Today

Today, sweet Eliza Louise turns four weeks old, and I officially become one of those mothers who wonders where the time goes. It really does feel like just days ago that we brought her home, so excited to do her first diaper change in her nursery, introduce her to the pups. Gosh, we were even sort of excited about the first night feeding. We were ready to roll up our sleeves and wander bleary-eyed into the new parent trenches. So we did. And then life got pretty real.

It's not that we thought it would be easy. I was absolutely expecting it to be hard. The hardest thing I've ever done even. All of you who have done it are nodding along right now. Oh yes it's hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. Of course it is. I guess anticipating it and living it are two different things, and having survived month one, I'm ready to recap. I'll sprinkle some pictures in because I know that's what you're really here to see.

Her first week involved 5 doctor appointments. Eliza came home a little jaundiced, so they wanted to see her on Monday to check her bilirubin levels. Jaundice, of course, is a super common thing, so we weren't too worried. Her levels crept up through the week, and each appointment dictated that she be seen again in a day or two. We got pretty familiar with her new pediatrician. I have no idea what I wore to those appointments, still not moving around too well, and getting the hang of the whole, not being pregnant and figuring out what to wear for breastfeeding thing. I know for a fact I had spit-up in my hair and was running on 2 hours sleep for at least two of them. Oh well, I'm sure they are used to filthy zombies wandering into their offices with precious oblivious babies in tow. My milk, I was told at the hospital, should come in any day now. It didn't. This was making her jaundice much worse, and causing her to drop too much weight, so we had to start supplementing with formula, and to help compensate for her not nursing as much, I needed to pump after every feeding around the clock. We talked and worried about poop, incessantly. I never thought I'd say that.

Four days in, they sent us home with a bili bed, which is essentially this baby tanning bed fitted with a blue light; the phototherapy helps with the jaundice. She was to be on it any time she wasn't nursing. She only cries when she is hungry usually, but she screamed all day, all night long. Torture. I was still in a lot of pain at that point and so couldn't sit with her while she was on the bed, so sweet Nicholas hovered over her much of the day and night, soothing her and trying to keep her calm. Eliza says it was the worst day of her life.



The next day, her levels were just barely good enough to not have to take the bed home for another night. So, so lucky! We figured out around then that the issue with my milk was my anemia, which was labeled severe when I left the hospital and had caused me to have a few fainting spells and be woozy much of the week as well. WHY was I told on one hand my milk should be in any day, and on the other hand I was super anemic? No one put these two together but as soon as I told the pediatrician she was certain that was the cause. We continued to supplement, I to pump droplets of milk, we saw a lactation consultant. Then I saw another one. Her weight continued to drop even after a few days of supplementing. I wept. Poor Miller didn't know what to do. It was a tough few days.

In week two and three, Eliza got so much better. Our little 7 lb daughter was thriving, despite having two green parents who were flying by the seat of their pants and some health issues stacked against her. She is the most perfect little newborn you could ever ask for.



I, on the other hand, started to struggle. The baby blues set in. Not being able to properly nourish my baby, combined with the crazy hormones, health issues, and no sleep, had come together into a fairly effective ambush, and I was feeling in short, like the worst mother ever. My only job was to feed the baby and I was failing. My husband was juggling work, and taking wonderful, perfect care of us; he had been a superdad from day 1. I thought this would come so naturally to me, I was the one who had so much experience with babies. I could change a mean diaper and give baby baths and knew what to do with a blue bulb. But I was overwhelmed; I hated breastfeeding, hated pumping - it all felt so futile and just contributed to my feelings of inadequacy. I started feeling disconnected from my baby, which is, truly, the most awful feeling in the world.



It's something no one talks about too much, at least not in detail, I guess because it's shameful to feel anything besides totally blissful and in love with your new, precious little blessing. Certainly that's what people seem to expect you to feel like. Certainly that's how I felt the first couple of days. Well, it goes without saying that I dearly loved my baby. But the emotional fog that set in was difficult and at times seemed insurmountable. I'd read about it, but living it was unsurprisingly, undeniably different.

I do still feel a little ashamed, and for many I realize this is considered a massive overshare, but I'm talking about it because I said I'd share this part, the honest, ugly, busted side of our little lives with our little one. I'm not sharing it to get pity; it's not a pitiable thing - the first few weeks are hard for everyone. I'm sharing it because I know some of you will be new mothers in the not too distant future, and my most unexpected source of support was the new and experienced mothers who texted, e-mailed, and in some cases came out of the woodwork to encourage me, on just a hunch that maybe it wasn't going so smoothly. I learned from their stories - of 5 days on the bili bed, poor milk supply, babies who can't latch, scary postpartum hospital stays - that many, maybe most of us go through this rough patch, and many experience these feelings of inadequacy and despair in the beginning. And it's equally common to feel like you are the only one who has ever struggled with it. A huge THANK YOU to all those women, it meant the world to have people who related to this crazy time. I wasn't even the only one who wanted to throw my stupid rented "hospital grade" pump out the window. It is a huge life transition, the only one that necessarily intersects with intense physiological trauma, and new, raw emotions you never knew existed. And despite what it feels like, it does indeed get better. And it has, a little every day. We still have a lot to learn, but 1 month never looked so good.



Coming up: Father's day, the nursery (finally!) and the highs of month 1, of which there are many! Happy weekend everyone! xo

Sleep deprivation --> Chaos

Not too surprisingly, things have unraveled a bit around here. In the past three weeks we've found the mail in the dog food bin (??), and the bread and the ice cream in the refrigerator. Realized the reason the house was so hot was not that the A/C wasn't working properly but because the back door was left wide open for a solid 3 hours. I let the dogs out and wandered off to take care of something, and just never came back. On more than one occasion, dripped salsa, queso, mole sauce, or other varieties of Tex-Mex onto an unsuspecting nursing baby (I'm not proud of this but don't pretend you other moms haven't done it). One of us attempted to put dirty dishes in the washing machine. Both of us have been not quite quick enough with the fresh diaper in the middle of the night - on the bed - and this has consequences. Done that more than once because we like to live dangerously. Oh and forget about having a burp cloth at the ready. Ha. No. We prefer cleaning up projectile spit ups after the fact, thankyouverymuch. Laundry, laundry, oh so much laundry. And these days, all the cabinet doors in the kitchen are perpetually flung wide open, because apparently these days I just can't be bothered to close doors of any kind. If you are brave enough to stop by, we apologize in advance for the slightly disheveled state of our home.

On the bright side, the baby remains well-fed and changed and still quite a happy little thing for the most part, so I guess we are doing something right. And the dogs are still alive last we checked, though with the heat wave (100 for the foreseeable future! Gross) we may need to readjust our plant watering schedule as they are looking a little croaky. Eep. We are managing pretty well, I suppose, under the circumstances. I just wish I had some sort of magic elf following us around shutting doors, picking up where our brains leave off, and keeping things a little more orderly.

(This little love remains oblivious to the chaos):





Hope everyone had a relaxing weekend! We slept. Hallelujah. XO

First photo shoot, part 2

A few more from Eliza's first photo shoot:

First photo shoot

I really love babies in their purest state. Here is little Miss Eliza Louise, 5 days into this world:












More from this photoshoot to come tomorrow! xo

Homeward bound

Somehow heading home was emotional for me. It's those stupid crazy hormones I know, but I burst into tears as we packed up to leave. So much anticipation and build-up to the birth and that time in the hospital, and it was over - time to resume our lives again. We were leaving with a very precious parting gift:

Who, we quickly learned does not particularly appreciate being put in her carseat, but picking it up, to quote her father, is like hitting a mute button:

Maybe she's screaming because her bonnet is sliding around on her head?

Above: the mute button effect, and what happens to your face after delivering a baby and two sleepless nights in the hospital.

We gingerly wound our way home at a much slower pace than we'd come at 5 AM two nights before, and began the process of becoming a harmonious family of five. One dog likes the baby but doesn't really understand her, and is going to take some time adjusting (I type this a week and a half out and we're not quite there yet...). The other one appears to be fairly oblivious that anything has changed. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Being home has been wonderful and hard. As our pediatrician put it, an exceptionally difficult first two weeks with a newborn. Our health issues combined into a bit of an ambush resulting in 6 total appointments from last Monday to today. We're pretty tired of appointments (though we've gotten the hang of getting out of the house!). That said, as newborns go, Miss Eliza seems to be an exceptionally good baby; she has made every bump a little less shaky for these two rookies. And we love her for it.

Visitors!

This little miss had a steady stream of visitors while we were in the hospital:

Proud grandmother Cristy

There's the lip again...

Sweet Aunties Em and Katie


Eliza's Godmother Braden

Happy Gigi

Big Steve

Great grandparents Annie and John peering in

We haven't seen many people since we've been home as we've been working on getting Eliza and me healthy. Both of us have had a few issues since being home, so it's been nice to have this time to recover and wander around the house zombie-style in my nightgown. But we are both on the mend now and can't wait to see everyone soon!