Clean slate

2011 was a humbling year - soul-changing. Beautiful. A little rough in patches. Rather than recap it redundantly, as I do every month, I thought I'd look forward to this year we just started, which has gotten off on the right foot so far.

Tomorrow, at 5:15, I will wake up and ready myself for my first workout of the year. I was supposed to start weaning so that it would be a little easier on me. I tried, I really did. But, I'm not ready. She's not ready either. We ain't ready. But I'm going to be there anyway.

Here's what I'm ready to do:
-face 6 am for the foreseeable future, followed by my reward: the sauna.
-be extra, extra grateful for my husband who happily helps me have this "me" time each morning.
-eat healthily almost every meal. A few cheats on weekends and trips don't count. Ever.
-be kinder to myself. let the stupid perfectionist stuff go.
-return to my twice a week Ashtanga class, because it's good for the soul
-make at least one good, throw in the grass, toss in the wash, scrap quilt.
-refinish my dining table, chairs, and chandelier - oohlala.
-babyproof the house. It's not long now folks.
-cook more. I plead the fifth on the amount I cook now (other than for the baby). Thank goodness for all the healthy eats there are in this blessed town. This one may take a couple of weeks as I adjust to the new workout routine and I'm ok with that.

Here's what I'm saying I'm going to do, but let's all be honest my rightbrained-ness only ever gets me so far each year (though we DO usually make a little progress...):
-Keep my car more organized. So tired of wayward receipts, water bottles, toys tumbling out whenever I open the door. It didn't used to be bad but it's true what they say about babies.
-Stop being such a scatterbrain. Complete more tasks/thoughts. Not really sure how I'm going to go about tackling this one, but
-Stay on top of the laundry.
-Not leave cabinets open. Babyproofing doesn't really do much good if the cabinets are left open in the first place.
-Organize my time better so that I'm not blogging at 11 12 a.m. the night before my 6 a.m. workouts.

I actually feel like we are doing pretty good with the baby. She's wonderful and I think we'll just resolve to keep her out of trouble in the new year. I am in. LOVE. with her.

So, I'm not good at many things (like weaning/doing laundry/shutting cabinets), but it turns out, I'm pretty good at keeping New Year's resolutions.

I love a nice, clean slate. Maybe that's why white is my favorite color (Miller has a very tasteless joke about this preference for white. He finds it hilarious. I don't.) White, while terribly impractical if you have two dogs and a baby as I do, is so crisp and clean and makes all the other colors pop. It's a beautiful backdrop for whatever colors you want to really highlight. Similarly, a clean slate holds new promise for a better you to shine through. Ridding yourself of old habits. Tackling something new. Growth. Pop.

Four years ago, I resolved to learn how to use a sewing machine and work out. I joined a 6 a.m. bootcamp and a beginner sewing class. Three years ago, it was learning to crochet, taking a photography class to figure out my new Nikon, and mastering the basics in the kitchen (I read the Joy of Cooking a little each night. Highly recommend this - it is the Bible of the kitchen). I'm not a wonderful cook or seamstress or photographer but I conquered the fear, and somehow, it made me more confident in my ability to try new things. Going for it. And my lofty pursuits awakened a new creative energy in me that hasn't really quieted since.

Two years ago, during our 4-month European gorgefest travels I decided to eat and drink whatever I wanted while we were gone, and resolved to take care of the damage when I got home. By summer 2010 I'd gotten myself into pretty great shape, with a dedicated health regime of healthy eating, working out daily, and Ashtanga yoga that I followed religiously. Then, in September, I got pregnant. I kept myself in excellent shape during my pregnancy, but my body fell apart postpartum and I've struggled to get this bowl full of jelly off by conventional means - walking, eating healthy. Not eating anything. Eating small meals throughout the day. Breastfeeding (this, for me was a total myth; though I know women who ate cookies all day and breastfed and went below their pre-pregnancy weight by 5 months, so don't lose the hope, ladies). Everything except dedicating 1 hour of cardio a day at the gym, which I just did not have the energy or the time to devote to in the first 6 months.

As it turned out, I had an issue with my thyroid (called postpartum hypothyroidism) that was making it much more difficult to get the weight off, and was also causing my severe lethargy and some off and on depression. Fortunately, this has largely resolved, thanks to time and some holistic treatments that worked almost overnight. At some point, maybe around month 5, we'd worked through the other symptoms and I just decided to not worry about the fact that I still looked a smidge pregnant when all my friends were already slim and trim, Angelina-style. I decided to focus on the baby for now, and work on myself when I felt ready. I knew I'd get back here eventually. So now, she's older, and I'm ready. It's me time, people!

It turns out, you never get anywhere if you don't try.

So tomorrow, at 5:15, I will wake up and face the day. And I will be thinking of my grandfather, who reports for a pretty serious, intensive surgery in Houston at the exact same time. He was in high spirits when I talked to him tonight, and is ready to face his big day tomorrow. I have no doubt they will take wonderful care of him so that he can live to Eliza's graduation day, as he proclaimed a few days ago. I haven't talked about it much, but he has been heavy on my mind these past few months; he's terribly important to me. His optimistic outlook toward the whole scary ordeal is inspiring. To be sure, meeting my trainer at 6 a.m. is nothing close to the fear he faces tomorrow. But I'm hoping it will give us both a clean slate to start from in the year ahead.

Night night friends.